Let Your Intelligence, Not the Senses Guide You

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Three things cannot be retrieved: the arrow once sped from the bow, the word spoken in haste and the missed opportunity (Eastern wisdom)

One should realize that when choosing a life partner, it’s necessary to rely on intelligence, and not the senses. Sometimes our karma doesn’t let us create a warm relationship despite the initial great outburst of feelings. Remember: our senses are misleading instruments. Your body shivers not only when you’re touching your beloved one – touching a corpse or a very expensive item can also give the shivers. Hairs on the body may stand on end not only out of love, but also because of fear or hatred. Don’t trust your love sensation – trust the science of love that had it all double-checked as far back as thousands of years ago. Symptoms of death and ecstatic love are often very much alike — be careful not to misrecognize them.

Compatibility at the level of feelings and senses only affords ground for building relationships. But don’t expect a big miracle from infatuation. Relationships are not being built on the miracle of infatuation – they are being based on real self-improvement efforts, meticulous hard work on one’s own consciousness

Happy families don’t appear as if by magic – this is a result of hard work of both of the partners on their own characters, on their own hearts. Work always comes first. In other words, chemistry of initial attraction doesn’t mean you don’t need to do anything. Quite on the contrary, you’ll have to work on and on at self-improvement. The only question is whether one likes to work or not. If one likes to work, he/she will feel comfortable in any sphere, be it physical or spiritual activity. Therefore, the primary duty of parents is to foster in children love of work, the ability to experience joy from the process, not the result.

Lifestyle Compatibility

Before creating family relationships, we need to find out whether we are compatible in terms of lifestyle each of us has already established and defined for oneself as a way of life. We must understand whether we have similar views on such issues as maintaining the household, the balance between material and spiritual aspects of life, how much of ourselves we are prepared to give to the family, society, God, after all; how many children we are planning to have and how we are going to raise them; our financial goals and issues; how much time we are going to spend with friends; time we’ll spend sitting at home or hanging out elsewhere; how we are going to build relationships with our relatives etc. In other words, what am I ready to sacrifice for my partner, for our relationships and our children?

It is stated in the Vedas that these questions need to be asked in the very beginning of a relationship. This is a key to building a peaceful, close-knit family. It evokes a parallel with meal planning. If, before cooking dinner, we compile a list of groceries we have, it will become clear what dishes we can make out of them. You can’t anticipate a cake if all that you have is potatoes and salt. A family is a combination of already existing possibilities and personality traits. Your partner won’t be able to go to the store and buy for himself/herself some more kindness, patience and the ability to understand another person. It doesn’t happen this way. He/she consists of what he/she already consists. So don’t expect quick changes for the better — be thankful if he/she doesn’t change for the worse.

The law is as follows: if we manage to discuss difficult aspects of relationships at the very beginning, we stand a chance of finding solutions even to the most tricky conflict situations that may arise between us. But if we postpone the discussion to the later stages of relationships, conflict resolution will turn into an extremely difficult, practically unfeasible task. Therefore, right-minded people choose the soft option: they talk about complex issues early on in their relationship. These include vital issues the discussion on which admits of no delay. They must be talked through before the partners become strongly attached to each other. Otherwise, there will be fear of losing a relationship as a result of conflict, and the family will keep silent about the matter until they bump up against the iceberg they simply felt shy to talk about at the proper time.

Remember: first there should be formalities and then attachment. Crucial things first, loving sentiments next. You can love someone you know really well, otherwise, surprises are unavoidable. Look at the way a guy chooses what car to buy, how he scrutinizes it in detail before buying it. He doesn’t just thinkabout the color or the beauty of interior upholstery – he asks the seller about gas mileage, whether the car has been involved in accidents; he takes it for an inspection.

The most important thing about a person is not bodily beauty but thoughts, plans and dreams of this person, the way he/she sees the world and you in this world. Do not think things will resolve themselves in time – this is a very dangerous illusion.

The Reason Why Difficulties Arise

From whence do family life difficulties arise? The reason is we don’t discuss them at the beginning of our relationships. When we get acquainted with each other, we just dedicate time to pleasure and have fun with no strings attached. But family life is not a walk in the park. It involves strenuous money-making, child-bearing and rearing, home improvement, maintenance of relatives. We can’t see into our future with all its events during dating, yet we can talk about it. However, this is precisely what we feel shy to do at the very beginning of relationships. And then we are surprised to discover that we have envisaged our partner, family life, day-to-day routine and the level of income significantly differently.

When she goes on dates, a woman doesn’t ask for money, ornaments, clothes, food and help with housework, and a man doesn’t reveal that he wants to play video games with his friends every evening. They simply hide and conceal their living habits and true desires from each other till the end, but what can be done with that later, when the wedding knot is already tied? All that is left to do is fight for your desires right in your own home with the nearest and dearest person in the world. War with the closest and dearest ones – that is a lifestyle of a modern family. Remember: those who don’t discuss day-to-day life before marriage, are building a boxing ring instead of a family.

A Few Words About the Duties

As we have already found out, the problem of a modern family is that we fail to discuss the most important things with each other, and these are not only philosophical ideas but expectations we have for each other, and thus, it’s a talk about mutual duties. The most interesting thing is that before a wedding a man tries his best to prove to a woman that he wants to take care about her till his dying day, at the very least. But when the wedding march sounds, he forgets his promises as if there were no the several months of courtship in his life at all. All women should know about this particular forgetfulness of men.
For her part, a woman is very careful and undemanding before the wedding, but after the wedding, everything changes. All of a sudden, it appears that she has so many desires and plans that a hundred of husbands won’t cope with their fulfillment.

She began to compile a list of her heart’s desires as early as in preschool, having included red satin ribbons, a Barbie girl and her childhood sweetheart Peter into it… That is a problem: we need to understand the true desires of our partner, how he/she will behave after the wedding ceremony; how we are going to spend the whole life together, not just one month after the wedding. Here the rule is as follows: those couples who discuss their day-to-day life before wedding, create stronger, more solid and happy marriages. If you don’t fear daily routine, it starts fearing you.

The Want for More Experience

The law of happy family life is very simple: if a child had a happy family experience, it would be easier for him/her to build a happy family when he/she grows up. If one had no such experience, it would be very difficult to build sublime relationships even though one may have the most outstanding partner and a 100 percent compatibility with him/her. We can create only something we have seen with our own eyes, learnt from our own experiences. But we don’t quite understand it: we make plans for family relationships that we have never seen, that simply don’t exist on this planet. We build castles in the air and think they will bear up under our weight. But all we are capable of is making a raft out of several logs.

Disappointment in love comes because both partners fail to agree upon their expectations and plans for marriage. Let’s take plans for having children, for example. As we have already mentioned, this point should be discussed prior to marriage, and the couple should reach mutual understanding on all questions concerning parenting. They should agree on how many children are to be expected, how they are to be raised and educated, the amount of money to be spent on that, the amount of time each of the parents will spend with children and their roles in children’s upbringing. The number of children and other subtleties don’t matter, by the way — the main thing is for the partners to reach out for mutual understanding. Even if a husband and wife don’t want to have children, for the beginning of family life this is absolutely normal. But: each of them should know that he/she can’t change his/her mind on the question independently – he/she can do it only together with a spouse, through joint decision-making. Then a major family conflict would be an unlikely event. Pulling it all together, it doesn’t matter which point we discuss and to what extent it looks culturally correct, the main thing is that it should eventually suit both partners well.

False Ego in Family Life

As much as we’d like to manifest our false ego, a family is an unsuitable environment for that. We create a family because we want to gain new freedom, new opportunities and new power. However, it is precisely in the family life that one should always control one’s false ego because a family represents a direct dependency on family members and close/dear ones. For example, newlyweds may live in their parents’ house, in which case they should be subordinate to their parents as the masters of the house. But if parents move in with the children, it is they who should act like guests and take into account the existing house rules.

This rule is applicable in all situations: each time I should take into account my dependence on the existing situation and tame my negative desire of full freedom – there is no such thing in a family and cannot be. A family means full dependence, in which it is possible to become happy only through desire to care for other family members and willingness to adjust to actual circumstances. A family is a mutual dependence, not a fight for individual freedom with a partner, parents and children.

Foolery Because of Discontentment

When we create family relationships, we go out of way to prove that we grew up enough to have a serious view of life. A groom says to the bride’s father, “I have serious intentions.” But despite all assurances, one starts to commit fooleries, disgracing oneself and one’s whole family. Such irrational behavior arises from discontentment. A discontented person wants to hurt and give headache to everyone around. The reason is that discontent diminishes when spilt over to others.

Therefore, everyone should do their utmost to help a discontented person and put his/her mind at rest. This needs to be done for the good of all.

However, only those can provide help who feel contented themselves. It’s the same as with help in family conflicts. Only those can help resolve family conflicts who are happy in their own family life. Most importantly, this should be mutual happiness of both partners. If only one person is happy, this is not happiness but an abuse taking place against the background of inflated egotism and tyranny.

original article http://astro-ved.ru/sovmestimost-muzhchiny-i-zhenschiny-v-vedicheskoy-astro-psihologii/razum-a-ne-chuvstva

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